A Thousand and One
by Love Lost Contest
Summary: No matter how hard you try, some things are impossible to substitute. An entry for the Love Lost Contest.


**Title: A Thousand and One**

**Characters: Bella, Edward**

**Rating: M for adult and sensitive topics**

**Word Count: 4655**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters.**

**Summary:** _**No matter how hard you try, some things are impossible to substitute. An entry for the Love Lost Contest.**_

**To see all entries in the "Love Lost" Contest, please visit the author profile: .net/u/2458839/Love_Lost_Contest**

**X-X-X**

"…You should sign up for Facebook, Bella," Alice says resolutely. "Who doesn't have Facebook these days? It's ridiculous."

Alice has come to my hometown on a business trip and her schedule is pretty tough. She has just an hour to have lunch with me. We sit in a small café and she tells me about her vacation and how she met the man of her dreams. Of course, photos are only available on her Facebook page. What happened to the good old paper photographs?

"You know my opinion of this thing," I say. "I just don't like the idea of people who used to bully me in school asking me to become their friends_. That_ is ridiculous."

Besides, I don't even have a good photo of myself to put on the profile.

"Oh come on, I'll make you a very cool shot to put on your profile. For free." She winks as if she's read my mind. Alice Brandon is a fashion photographer and her service costs a fortune. She just knows how to bribe.

"Bribery is illegal," I observe, but we both know there's no way I can say no now.

The next day, I receive the email from Alice with a few attached files—she made more than just one good shot. I really like how I look on them with my hair flying on the wind, my skin flawless like a supermodel's, and my mouth slightly open, making me look a bit seductive. And the makeup torture Al subjected me to had appeared to be a good thing—smoky eyes brought depth into my look.

I sigh at the inevitable and write my name in the little boxes on the screen.

After an hour of struggling to understand what to do next, I finally have a Facebook page. I call Alice because I have no idea how to find her there, and she instructs me how to navigate. I think I must be a total retard when it comes to the social networks.

Alice's page is spectacular. She has more than a thousand friends there, and I feel slightly jealous. I barely even know a hundred people. But on the other hand, Alice is a public figure, sort of, and she's always been popular. She also has at least ten photo albums, and I spend the whole evening viewing them. When I'm done, I close the Internet browser, promising myself to never ever open Facebook again. Such a waste of time.

A few days ago, my e-mail inbox explodes. I shudder with horror when I realize I have ten Facebook friend requests.

Five of these people I don't know at all. I think they must be spammers or something.

The other five are my former classmates. The first one is Jessica Stanley, who had always been the most buoyant person at school. I click on the link in the email and open her Facebook page. She grins at me from her profile pic, and as I run over her photo albums it looks like her life is the neverending party. And just like Alice, she has more than a thousand friends.

The second one is Angela Webber, and I smile because she used to be my good friend at school, but we lost the connection after moving to the different parts of the country. Angie has a lot of photos of the small kid and I figure out she's married to Ben Cheney who also used to be our classmate.

The third one is, in fact, Ben Cheney. He has their wedding photo on his profile, and I think it's really sweet.

The fourth one is Tyler Crowley. I shudder because, hello, Tyler and I used to be the worst enemies. He was a real jerk and I don't believe people change. I don't even bother to open his page because looking at his face would stir very unpleasant memories.

The fifth one is Edward Cullen.

I don't know why, but my hand gives a start when I click on the link. From one look at his face I can feel butterflies begin to swirl in my stomach. He's gorgeous. Who am I kidding? He looks even better than he did twelve years ago.

Edward Cullen has many photo albums. I guess he's a very sociable person. I find out that he travels a lot, likes diving, surfing and snowboarding, and he's a frequent visitor of the classy nightclubs. He also has many pictures with different supermodel-looking girls.

My heart wrings a bit, and— I can't help it—my mind begins its walk down memory lane.

It was an early spring of 1998. I arrived at Forks High School in the middle of the term because my mom had just married Phil, a minor league baseball player, and they were about to move a lot before he got signed somewhere. The first school day was torture, feeling of all eyes on me made me want to vanish. Gym was especially bad, because I was clumsy and my new uniform was so big that I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time when I saw myself in the mirror.

And then, there was Biology. As I entered the class room, I noticed all the tables were filled but one in the back row. I dragged my ass there, praying that I'd have the desk to myself.

I opened my notebook and tried to concentrate on drawing the random patterns, when I heard the chair next to me moving. I turned and met the appraising gaze of green eyes from under the long strands of untidy bronze-colored hair. My breathing stopped because I'd never seen anyone so beautiful.

"You're a new girl?" The boy asks me with a smirk as he sits down. "What's your name?"

"Bella Swan," I replied with a shy smile.

"I'm Edward, Edward Cullen. I hope we'll be friends." He winked and I blushed.

The teacher, Mr. Banner, announced that we were about to have a lab and we were supposed to work on it as partners. I was getting nervous as we started because our hands were so close, and for some reason, I wanted to touch him. I had never wanted to touch a boy before and it just felt strange and made me even more anxious.

So, we were doing the lab. Actually, it was mostly me doing and Edward pretending he was checking if I was right. His passiveness slightly bothered me, but when I turned to him to say it, I saw a crooked smile and I decided it didn't really matter. The lab wasn't a problem for me, anyway.

"Thank you, partner," he said when the class was over, and then he winked to me again and left the room. I smiled back, packed up my things into my old bag and followed him out, nursing the hope that he would talk to me outside.

But it wasn't gonna happen. Instead, I saw him necking with a girl from my English class, Lauren. It looked like she'd been waiting for him. It looked like she was his girlfriend.

I felt cheated. I mean, he had winked at me. _Winked_!

I felt the rage, and tears began to gather in my eyes but I blinked them away. I wasn't gonna cry over such a man-whore as Edward Cullen.

The next day when I entered the Bio class, Edward was already there. I noticed that he was wearing the _Spartans _t-shirt over a plain black long-sleeved one and grey cargo pants. He greeted me with a goofy grin, but I just nodded back and opened my notebook.

"Um, Bella?" he murmured, getting so close to my ear that I could feel his breath, minty and sweet, for he was chewing gum.

"What?" I snapped.

He didn't get the hostility, though. "Have you done homework?" he asked.

"Yep."

"Could you please let me crib it from you? I honestly suck at Bio and I was really busy yesterday. The practice was tough," he said and even though I looked at my notebook, I could _feel_ he was smiling his dazzling crooked smile.

I got so angry that I was afraid the steam would blow out from my ears. Of course, he was been busy—making out with a girl surely made one busy. It was one hell of a practice.

"No way," I muttered through my clenched teeth, still not looking at his face.

"Bitch," he hissed and smacked his fist on the table.

That is how the war began.

The rest of that school year was the worst time in my life.

I could feel the waves of hatred radiating from Edward Cullen as he sat next to me. We never spoke again, apart from the labs when we had to do something together. Since Edward was really bad at Bio and I wasn't about to help him through it, I learned a lot of new complex curses. That was what he was definitely good at.

As ill luck would have it, there was another person who hated me for no reason, and that was Lauren Mallory. Jessica had confirmed that she was Edward's girlfriend, but I didn't think it was more than just a coincidence. It was just that there was something about me that annoyed her and she pointed at it. She laughed at my old bag and at my obviously out of fashion shoes.

"You're not a Swan, you're an ugly duckling," she said once as I tripped and fell in Gym. Everyone laughed at her joke and when I went home I cried all night long.

And on top of it all, there was Tyler. He asked me if I wanted to go with him to the spring dance, and when I said no, it offended him so much that he almost hit my truck with his Toyota. He did a good job of blocking my way in the parking lot every single day afterwards. Jerk.

Summer came and passed, and I was waiting for the new school year with trepidation. But things were never going to be the same, because on the very first day of school I met Alice and we became best friends.

I didn't have classes with Edward Cullen anymore. Sometimes when I sat with Alice in the cafeteria I could feel someone looking at me and when I turned I met the green, intense stare which made me shiver. Sometimes there was also a crooked smile. I never saw him with Lauren, though. Jessica said they had broken up.

One day in the winter it snowed, and as I entered the school building, I began to shake snow off my hood, not noticing anything around me until I realized I hit someone pretty badly. I turned and to my utter horror I saw Edward Cullen standing right behind me, so close that my breath hitched. He rubbed his nose, wincing.

"God, Bella, why are you so…" he began, but stopped abruptly and walked away from me down the corridor.

When the spring came, Alice and I sent our applications to the University of Washington. I wanted to major in English, and she chose Arts and Design. We got our admission letters on the same day and we jumped on Alice's bed and sang along to N'Sync's _Tearin' Up My Heart_. We were going to Seattle. We were happy.

Alice decided we should be the most beautiful girls at the prom, so she made me go to Port Angeles to do some shopping. I bought a long, deep blue silk off-the-shoulder dress. Alice squealed with delight. Her own dress was a black satin, and she looked a bit like a witch in it.

I went to the prom with Eric Yorkie. He was a nerd just like me. I drank champagne. A lot of champagne, because the end of torture deserved a good celebration. Eric disappeared somewhere, and I danced alone to the crazy disco rhythms. Normally I didn't dance, but after a couple of champagnes I was okay with that. I enjoyed myself.

Then the slow song began. It was _I Don't Want To Miss A Thing_ by Aerosmith, and I knew it was a long one, so I turned to make my way out, but ran into Edward Cullen instead. He looked amazing. He was wearing a tux and his hair was smooth with some product. He smiled at me, dazzling as usual, and held out his hand.

"Dance with me, Bella," he said.

"Um… I honestly can't dance," I whispered in panic.

"It's all in the leading," Edward assuredconfidently and towed me to the dance floor.

His left hand was holding my right while his right hand is on the small of my back. His hands were warm and his touch was surprisingly tender. There was a contradiction, because he was a badass, and delicacy seemed to be completely out of character for him.

So, we danced and it was really easy to follow his movements. He danced like a pro.

Edward asked me about my college plans while we danced. I told him about Washington. He congratulated me and said he was going to Dartmouth to study Economics as a major and Psychology as a minor.

After the small talk we remained silent. I could feel his grip on me becoming tighter, and as I looked up and beheld his face, his gaze was more intense than ever. I lost my breath and my heart started to race because I knew something was about to happen. And then I saw him licking his lips and I felt like I could die right there.

Oh God. He was going to kiss me. Edward Cullen was going to kiss me.

I had never kissed anyone before and I felt alarmed that I might do something wrong. In one second I tried to recollect everything about kissing that I had ever learned from the movies. I couldn't remember anything, but it ceased to matter because Edward's lips touched mine.

I blinked and saw that his eyes were closed. _God, he's so incredibly beautiful_, the last thought crossed my mind before I forgot about everything. He softly locked my lips with his, very gently moving from my upper lip to my lower and back while his thumb rubbed soothing circles on my palm.

His breathing became heavier and, oh boy, I could feel the tip of his tongue licking my lower lip, warm and wet and so tender. Very slowly, he opened his lips and I opened mine, too, wanting to feel more of him. Edward's hand on my back brought us closer to each other as we continued to slow dance and then his tongue slid carefully into my mouth.

He began to rub his tongue gently against mine, and I finally felt his taste. He tasted like champagne and cigarettes and mint and just like a boy. I don't know how to explain this _boy _thing, but that's how it was, so good that it was almost intoxicating. I think I forgot how to breathe, and I felt unfamiliar tingles in the lower part of my stomach.

I didn't want Edward Cullen to think that I was a bad kisser, so I tried to copy his actions and our tongues danced their own slow dance. Our kiss gradually became very wet and deep. My whole body was melting; I didn't feel it anymore, and I just thought _I want this to last forever. I want to be kissing Edward Cullen forever._

His tongue begins to push more urgently against mine until finally he moans quite desperately into my mouth, making me shiver, and then he pulls away and stands still. I opened my eyes and regained my breath and then I realized that the music was over.

I looked at Edward's face, and his eyes were very dark and his lips were wet. I died a little when he darted out his tongue and licked my taste off his lips and then smiled crookedly.

"Bella!" I heard Alice's voice behind me, but I was too frozen to turn.

She grabbed my shoulder. "Bella, come on, let's go, fireworks are starting!"

I looked at her and back at Edward, and I didn't want to but he let go of my hand. "Thank you, Bella," he said in a low voice and winks.

I turned away from him, my mind still in a haze, and followed Alice outside.

I never saw Edward Cullen again.

I spent the summer with Renee and her new husband, and in August, Alice and I moved to Seattle.

On the first day of college I met Jacob Black and we became friends. He knew a lot of interesting stories and legends. He also engaged me in active leisure, from swimming to hiking. Once we were on a trip to the mountain and it was really cold, so we shared the sleeping bag to get warmer. Suddenly Jacob leaned in to me, looked into my eyes strangely and traced his finger along my cheek. And then he kissed me and I kissed him back. It was nowhere near that sensual like it used to be with Edward Cullen; it was messy and awkward and Jacob's tongue reminded me of how my old dog Seth used to lick my face, and I chuckled. First, Jacob was offended, but then he began to giggle, too. In the end, we decided it was a very bad idea and we'd rather stay best friends.

For some reason Alice detested Jacob, so I had to divide my free time between them both. She got us fake IDs and each Friday we went to the bars. We called it _girls' night_.

One Friday, we hung out in the big rock club. The place was crowded and at some point we los each other. I sat at the bar and ordered a beer with my fake ID when I heard someone sit down on the stool beside me.

"Hey, beautiful," I heard and turned to see a stranger. He looked very cool; his blond hair was long and pulled into a ponytail, he was wearing a leather jacket and worn out blue, holey jeans. His features were stark and his eyes—his eyes were deep sparkling blue, and his stare sent shivers through my body. Man, he was hot.

"What's your name?" he asked, angling his head.

"Bella," I whispered in confusion. What had I done to deserve such an attention?

"Beautiful lady with a beautiful name," he murmured and smiled, baring perfectly white teeth. "I'm James." He took my hand and kissed it, and I felt my insides clench. He definitely sent chemical reactions through my body.

We exchanged a couple of meaningless sentences, and then he suggested that he give me a ride on his motorcycle. He said he owned a Harley. Of course, my parents had told me to never ride with strangers, but I was so buzzed after the beer and excited about this James that my sense of self-preservation totally failed me. And above all, it was a Harley. _A Harley!_

James paid for my beer and we headed outside. I climbed onto the Harley behind him and put my hands around his waist. We drove fast around Seattle, and the wind caressed my face and it was extremely thrilling.

Eventually, he drove up to an unfamiliar place and stopped at the parking lot.

"Why have we stopped here?" I asked as he helped me to dismount from the motorcycle.

"We're home, love," James said and stepped very close to me, our faces barely an inch away. My breath hitched in fear and my heart started beating frantically as the realization hit me. He seemed to notice my reaction, and he reached out and traced his very cold finger along my collarbone.

"Don't worry, love. I'm good," he said. His eyes were not blue anymore, but smoldering black, making him look like a beast. I was terrified as hell, but at the same time, my body reacted in a very different way; I was excited and I felt the tingles in my stomach.

I didn't say anything as he led me to what I assumed was his apartment. He didn't switch on the light before guiding me further down the hall to a small room. Once inside, he swiftly grabbed my waist and kissed me roughly. He was not going to be gentle as his tongue darted into my mouth. I flinched and suddenly thought that something was terribly off because I was reminded of the way Edward Cullen had kissed me and it was nothing like that. This James was a _real_ badass; he wasn't delicate at all and I didn't feel anything _that_ good.

The kiss didn't last, because James's mouth traced down to my neck and he inhaled the scent of my hair. "Your scent is driving me crazy," he murmured and I felt his teeth graze my skin. I considered whether I should tell him I was a virgin, but it occurred to me that he'd likely to back away then and I definitely didn't want him to stop. I was determined.

He dropped me to the bed, pulled up my skirt and we had sex. It was harsh and fast and it hurt. Really hurt. Thankfully, he came very quickly, pulled out of me, tossed the used condom to the wastebasket and immediately fell asleep.

Alice looked like she was going to kill me when I opened the door to our room. But her expression changed in a second and she pressed her hand to her lips. "Oh God. Bella. Oh God." She helped me to the shower and then we cuddled up in her bed, and when I fell asleep, I finally felt good in her arms.

I thought something was wrong with me that I didn't feel anything with James and I needed to prove to myself it wasn't true. Throughout the college years, I dated the random guys. With some of them I kissed, and with some I got to have sex. Eventually, I began to understand the tricks, how to make it all more enjoyable. But no matter how good it may have been, something was always off.

Alice's uncle owned a villa in Italy and he invited her to stay there for the summer after graduation. She asked me to go with her. I worked at a bookstore and I saved money for the trip.

Italy was wonderful. The food was delicious, the weather was fine and the sea was warm. And the men…well, Italian men looked just like gods.

A week after our arrival, I met Marcus. He was a good friend of Alice's uncle, Aro, and he was a widower. Marcus was in his fifties, but he was in impressively good shape. He called me "Mia Bella," which, I think, meant "my beautiful" in Italian. It was very romantic.

Marcus and I become lovers. He said I didn't know anything about the art of love-making and he wanted to teach me. First, he taught me how to kiss. He knew a lot of techniques. They all were very interesting and entertaining, but it felt more like a sports practice than actually a kiss. I think it was because we didn't really love each other. We were just short time partners, like in badminton.

Marcus was a walking Kama Sutra, and by the end of the summer I learned a lot of that, too. But the most important thing he taught me was how to pleasure myself. He said you can never make good love to another person until you learn how to make love to yourself. Maybe he was right.

When the summer was over, Alice and I went back to Seattle. I resumed working at the bookstore. I liked my work because I was surrounded by books and because I met different people. Some of them asked me to date. My boyfriends thought they loved me, because I knew Kama Sutra and could make them feel really good.

In 2006, I became a supervisor in my bookstore. In 2007, I decided to change jobs. I applied for a position in a big chain bookstore. They hired me to be a project manager and work in the office.

On Christmas Eve of 2007 at the corporate party I met Mike. He was one of our company's big bosses, but he didn't act like one; he was rather shy, and he looked like a nerd in his Gucci glasses. As we began talking, we found we shared many interests. Just like me, Mike liked reading and sci-fi movies, and he was all for the healthy lifestyle. He was a very nice fellow.

Unfortunately, Mike didn't live in Seattle. He lived in another city, where our central office was located. In the beginning of our relationship, he called me every night and we e-mailed each other all day long. I thought it was very romantic. Sometimes he even sent me flowers. He had frequent business trips, and every time he came to Seattle he took me to the best places in town. We went to the restaurants, museums, theatres and movies. He was always holding my hand and it was just so sweet.

We kissed for the first time only in the spring of 2008. Our kiss was really chaste, and he pulled away when my lips yearned for more. I didn't ask. I thought we could get to it sometime in the future. I really liked Mike, and I didn't want to ruin what he had.

Sex with Mike was a bit awkward, too. He was very traditional, if you could call it that. I was afraid my initiative would make him feel uncomfortable or doubt himself, so I never said anything. The problem was, the way we made it was not the best for me. Actually, it was not even close. But I let it go, because Mike was a good person and he loved me and, besides, I knew how to help myself.

In the fall of 2008, after almost a year of going back and forth across the country, Mike suggested that I move to live with him. It was a decisive step, but I was sick and tired of Seattle. I agreed. He arranged my transfer to his office, so we worked and lived together. I missed my friends and family, but it was good to finally have someone who cared for me. I though I loved him.

In the beginning of June of this year, Mike proposed. He wanted to make me the happiest woman on Earth and have three kids, he said. I should have been excited, but for some reason, I wasn't. I felt sick instead. I asked him to give me time to think. He agreed, but I could see the crease of pain on his face. I hurt him and it made me feel awful.

I take the small turquoise box from the top drawer of my desk and open it. The ring is beautiful. I don't know why I can't make myself try it on. I try to figure out what is wrong with me. Why can't I just say yes?

I think of our sexual life, which hasn't improved much. I think of the fact that Mike never kisses me at all these days. Then I suddenly try to calculate how many kisses I've had throughout my life. There were far too many. Probably a hundred. Or even a thousand.

I put the box back in the drawer and let out a deep sigh. When the drawer hits the table, the laptop screen returns to life and the Internet browser brings me back to Edward Cullen's Facebook page.

I look at his beautiful, flawless face and then my eyes dart to the 'Information' section that escaped my attention earlier.

At first, I read that his current city is exactly where I live now. I suddenly feel my heart starts to race.

Then I look up and see one more word. I blink because I'm afraid I read it wrong. I look again but the letters are still there. His relationship status is "single". At this instant, my heart is ready to burst from my chest in a frenzy.

I click through to my own Facebook page and select the little icon showing the pending friends requests.

I click "Yes" across Edward's name and mentally send my best wishes to whoever invented Facebook.

Maybe I'll have the guts to send him a message.

Maybe we'll meet.

Maybe he'll kiss me again.

I'll thank Alice later.


End file.
